Ask This One Question And Become a Better Leader

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> By <span class="Authors inc_editable" data-content-id="59736" data-content-type="article" data-editor-class="AuthorListEditor" data-editor-label="Author" data-fieldname="authors" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: inherit;"><a href="http://www.inc.com/author/marshall-goldsmith" rel="author" style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">MARSHALL GOLDSMITH</a></span><span class="TwitterHandles inc_editable" data-content-id="59736" data-content-type="article" data-editor-class="AuthorListEditor" data-editor-label="Author" data-fieldname="authors" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: inherit;">  </span><br /> <div class="article-page-deck inc_editable_area" data-editable-area-class="EditableArea" id="deck" style="border: 0px; margin: 10px 0px 2px; min-width: 20px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; width: 640px;"> <div class="article-page-deck inc_editable" data-content-id="59736" data-content-type="article" data-editor-class="InlineTextEditor" data-editor-label="Deck" data-editor-variant="singleline" data-fieldname="inc_deck" id="deck-editable" style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin: 0px; min-width: 20px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; width: 640px;"> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><b><span style="font-size: large;">By asking people how you could be better, you'll set up a new dynamic with your employees, family, and peers. The hard part is hearing their answers.</span></b></span></div> <div class="article-page-deck inc_editable" data-content-id="59736" data-content-type="article" data-editor-class="InlineTextEditor" data-editor-label="Deck" data-editor-variant="singleline" data-fieldname="inc_deck" id="deck-editable" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; min-width: 20px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; width: 640px;"> <div id="narrowArticleHeaderContainer" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <figure class="panographic-image inc_editable_area ArticleMainFigure imageLoaded" data-editable-area-class="ArticleMainFigureArea" id="panographic-image-a" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px 0px 16px -28px; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><div class="picture inc_editable inc_editable_image" data-content-id="59736" data-content-type="article" data-editor-class="ImageEditor" data-editor-label="Main Image" data-fieldname="image" data-parent-id="wrappercontainer" id="articleheaderimage" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: top;"> <div style="text-align: left;"> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span></div> <div style="text-align: left;"> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;"><img src="http://www.inc.com/uploaded_files/image/970x450/question-marks_38897.jpg" style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 668px;" /></span><span style="font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit;"> </span></span></div> <span class="medium large" data-src-x2="http://www.inc.com/uploaded_files/image/970x450/question-marks_38897.jpg" data-src="http://www.inc.com/uploaded_files/image/970x450/question-marks_38897.jpg" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"></span></div> </figure></div> <div id="toppromo" style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> </div> <div class="bodycopy inc_editable_area" data-editable-area-class="EditableArea" id="bodycopy" style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin: 0px; min-width: 20px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline;"> <div class="article-page-body inc_editable" data-content-id="59736" data-content-type="article" data-editor-class="InlineTextEditor" data-editor-label="Body" data-fieldname="inc_clean_text" id="article-page-body" style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin: 0px; min-width: 20px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: top;"> <div style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin-bottom: 0.9em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Soliciting feedback" is just what the words imply. It is when we solicit opinions from people about what we are doing wrong. As simple as it sounds, it is not always so simple. Most people have two problems dealing with negative feedback. This may not sound like many, but they are big problems. The first problem is we don't want to hear it and the second is we don't want to give it.</span></div> <div style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin-bottom: 0.9em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The reason we don't want to hear it is because negative feedback is inconsistent with our self-image and so we reject it. Did you know that of all the classes I've taught, 95 percent of members believe they are in the top half of their group? While this is statistically impossible, it is psychologically real. Proving to successful people that they are "wrong" is just about as hard as making them change.</span></div> <div style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin-bottom: 0.9em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The reason we don't want to give feedback is because our leaders and managers have power over us, our paychecks, advancement, and job security. The more successful a person is, the more power they have. Combine that power with the fairly predictable "kill the messenger" response to negative feedback, and you can see why people don't want to give feedback.</span></div> <div style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin-bottom: 0.9em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">There are some other difficulties with traditional face-to-face negative feedback. Most of them boil down to the fact that it focuses on failures of the past, not positive actions for the future. Feedback can reinforce our feelings of failure, and our reactions to this are rarely positive. More than anything, negative feedback shuts us down. We need honest, helpful feedback, which is hard to find.</span></div> <div class="inlinevideo" style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <div class="inline-player-wrap" id="inctv-player-1" style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; height: 0px; margin: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 30px 0px 360px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline;"> <div class="kWidgetIframeContainer" id="inline_kaltura_player_1" style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; height: 390px; left: 0px; margin: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 640px;"> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><iframe class="mwEmbedKalturaIframe" id="inline_kaltura_player_1_ifp" name="inline_kaltura_player_1_ifp" scrolling="no" style="border-width: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; height: 390px; margin: 0px; max-height: 100%; max-width: 100%; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 640px;"></iframe></span></div> </div> <h2 class="inlinevideoheadline" style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 8px 0px 8px 125px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Marshall Goldsmith: Leadership is a Contact Sport</span></span></h2> <div class="inline-player-color-notch" style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; height: 3px; margin: 8px 0px 30px 125px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 14px;"> </div> </div> <div style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin-bottom: 0.9em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">That's enough about what's wrong with feedback. Let's talk about the good stuff. Feedback is very useful for telling us "where we are." Without it, I couldn't work with my clients. I wouldn't know what the people around my client think about what he or she needs to change. Likewise, without feedback, we wouldn't know if were getting better or worse. We all need feedback to see where we are, where we need to go, and to measure our progress along the way. And I have a foolproof method for securing it.</span></div> <div style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin-bottom: 0.9em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">When I work with coaching clients, I always get confidential feedback from their coworkers at the beginning of the process. I enlist each person to help me out. I want them to assist, not sabotage, the change process. I do this by saying to them, "I'm going to be working with my client for the next year. I don't get paid if she doesn't get better. Better is not defined by me; it is not defined by her. It is defined by you and the other coworkers involved in the process." I then present them with four requests. I ask them to commit to:</span></div> <ol style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; list-style: disc; margin: 8px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 20px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <li style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; list-style: decimal outside none; margin: 0px 0px 10px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Let go of the past.</span></li> <li style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; list-style: decimal outside none; margin: 0px 0px 10px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Tell the truth.</span></li> <li style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; list-style: decimal outside none; margin: 0px 0px 10px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Be supportive and helpful--not cynical or negative.</span></li> <li style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; list-style: decimal outside none; margin: 0px 0px 10px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Pick something to improve themselves, so everyone is focused on more "improving" than "judging."</span></li> </ol> <div style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin-bottom: 0.9em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">As you contemplate changing your behavior yourself, without my personal assistance, you will need to do this same thing with your colleagues. Pick about a dozen people with whom you've had professional contact--work friends, peers, colleagues--and ask them to agree to these four commitments. When they do, which they nearly always will, you are ready to begin soliciting feedback from them about yourself.</span></div> <div style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin-bottom: 0.9em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">In my experience, there are a hundred wrong ways to ask for feedback and one right way. Most of us know the wrong ways. We ask people, "What do you think of me?" "How do you feel about me?" "What do you hate about me?" or "What do you like about me?" Think about your colleagues. How many of them are your friends? How many of them really want to express to you their "true" feelings about you, to you?</span></div> <div style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin-bottom: 0.9em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">A better question (and in my opinion the only question that works) is, "How can I do better?" Variations based on circumstances are okay, such as "What can I do to be a better partner at home?" or "What can I do to be a better leader of the group?" You get the idea. Pure issue-free feedback that makes change possible has to a) solicit advice rather than criticism, b) be directed towards the future, and c) be couched in a way that suggests you are, in fact, going to try to do better.</span></div> <div style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; margin-bottom: 0.9em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Finally, when you get the answer, when someone gives you the gift of what you can do to be better, don't respond with your opinion of their advice. It will just sound like denial, rationalization, and objection. Treat every piece of advice as a gift, a compliment, and simply say, "Thank you." No one expects you to act on every piece of advice. Just act on advice that makes sense to you. The people around you will be thrilled</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100% !important; font-family: Vollkorn, 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: -0.01em; line-height: 1.5em;">!</span></div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="PageShareContainer" id="PageShareContainerUpper" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100% !important; border: 0px; font-family: KlavikaRegular, Helvetica, Arial, san-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 16px; margin: 0px; padding: 15px 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <div class="ShareBox PageShareBox" id="ShareBox-576" style="border: 0px; font-family: KlavikaRegular, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline;"> </div> </div> <div id="sponsorlogo" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.235294); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.301961); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100% !important; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; border: 0px; color: black; float: right !important; font-family: KlavikaRegular, Helvetica, Arial, san-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 16px; margin: 5px 0px 0px; orphans: auto; padding: 0px; text-align: right; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px; z-index: 99;"> </div> </div>

Ask This One Question And Become a Better Leader

By  MARSHALL GOLDSMITH    By asking people how you could be better, you'll set up a new dynamic with your employees, family, and pee...

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