The Wealth of Premarital Counseling – Don’t go without it!

Grace and Derrick were so in love. Preparations for their wedding were underway and they just could not wait. They were so excited. A friend asked if they had gone for counseling and they were horrified. Counseling?! For what? They were in love; they had no ‘issues’, everything was going just fine. Counseling was for those who had ‘issues’, right? WRONG!

Every couple preparing for marriage should plan to spend MANY hours with a good, professional counselor. Contrary to the popular belief that counseling is for those who have problems, just as Grace and Derrick thought, counseling provides much needed guidance and enlightenment on the way ahead.

Let me put it this way, premarital counseling is the mandatory skills training you need in preparation for marriage. It is just like training in an important skill. Imagine needing an operation and finding yourself on the table with a ‘surgeon’ who tells you he has never been trained, he has just watched several operations and is confident he can operate you successfully, you would jump off the table and run for your life, wouldn’t you? The fact that you have watched many marriages does not mean you know how to do this marriage thing. Granted marriage is a ‘learn on the job’ kind of thing, like any vocation, you need some training and you are better off with some guidance before you embark on it.  

By the time adults reach marriageable age, you would expect them to know themselves well and be relatively mature in the way they behave, relate, respond, and make decisions. But you and I know that is not to be taken for granted; it depends largely on how an individual has been brought up and how much care they have taken to develop themselves as individuals. Unfortunately maturity does not come with age. Recently a cousin of mine, whom I had advised to go for counseling, wrote to tell me he had discovered (in counseling) what temperament he is, he explained that it was because he is a sanguine that he did not keep in touch regularly. I was surprised that he had just discovered his temperament but was glad he now felt some kind of liberation from the knowledge he had gained.

Counseling helps individuals to get to know themselves, their personalities, their strengths and their weaknesses. This is information that is vital for partners hoping to live together happily ever after – to know yourself well and know your partner as well. It enhances understanding which is an important ingredient for a happy marriage.

After a counselor has helped you understand who you are and why you do the things you do the way you do them, they will then help you both to see how you fit with each other in the context of your relationship – soon to be marriage. Courtship provides us with an opportunity to get to know one another well but sometimes we do not even know what questions we should be asking and counseling gives the guidance that couples need to get to know each other better in preparation for a close relationship in marriage. Good premarital counseling helps couples examine together their varying backgrounds, their views, opinions about and experience with elements vital to marriage like values, sex, family relationships, money etc.

Jason and Mildred got married not long after they had got to know each other. They did not see any use for counseling; actually Mildred was advised to go for counseling but Jason refused to go. Today, after three stormy years in marriage, they are receiving counseling. Their counselor says she is taking them through ‘pre-marital counseling’. ‘If only they had dealt with these issues before they got married’, she says, ‘they would not have had the challenges they have had that have caused them both so much pain.’ Thankfully they have chosen counseling and working at it over going their separate ways. 

Having understood who you are, how you fit together, you are then ready to be guided into the complex relationship called marriage. Premarital counseling examines expectations, roles and responsibilities in marriage, sex, money, parenting, in laws etc. It not only helps you to discuss these and other important elements but also gives you guidance on how to handle them and what discussions and decisions you need to make as a couple to handle them well in your marriage.

Counseling can only be effective if a couple gives it enough time, it is pointless trying to cram a couple of counseling sessions in between wedding meetings and Gusaba and all the other ceremonies that fill the period prior to marriage. A few years ago, I interviewed a Pastor who had a requirement in his church that a couple had to go through counseling starting six months before they planned to get married. I agree with him. You need time to work through and to make it work for you. Needless to say, it is pointless for one person to be receiving counseling alone without their fiancée; you need to be working together – just as you will do in marriage.

Another important point to note is a couple needs to be open and willing to learn and adjust as they go through counseling. These are also important attitudes in marriage so you better start early!

Let me point out that a couple should be willing to call off a relationship if they discover during counseling that they are ill fitted for each other. It is better to break an engagement than a marriage. Maybe we would have less separation and broken marriages if couples had good premarital counseling. A counselor should be able to advise against a relationship if he/she realizes the couple they are dealing with would do better going their separate ways. That calls for a remarkable level of professionalism and commitment to a couple so make sure you find a counselor who has those qualities. Remember do not spend time and money preparing for a wedding and forget to prepare for the marriage. Your marriage will thank you!

And if you missed pre-marital counseling for whatever reasons or had it but feel your marriage needs some help, guidance or support, do not hesitate to go for marriage counseling as a couple.